


Baby Don't Hurt Me, No Mo'

by chronicallyHaughty



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-19 17:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13128165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chronicallyHaughty/pseuds/chronicallyHaughty
Summary: Of all the things he could have possibly expected,thatwasn’t on the list. A robbery? Yeah. Armed men come to kidnap Bruce Wayne’s eldest? Been there. Deathstroke wanting to borrow the phone? Sure. Ababy?He had to admit that one was new.





	Baby Don't Hurt Me, No Mo'

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays or whatever!!! Have a surprise baby.
> 
> Massive thanks to gecko who is a beta, a gem, and a jewel!

_“Dick!”_

Dick startled into alertness from where he had been drifting off. Jason had put his clothes on just a moment ago, making a break for it while Dick ‘slept’, and so Dick really hadn’t expected to hear from him for another couple of days, at the very least. Jason’s shout was soon followed by _a baby’s cry._  At that, Dick was up like a shot.

Of all the things he could have possibly expected, _that_ wasn’t on the list. A robbery? Yeah. Armed men come to kidnap Bruce Wayne’s eldest? Been there. Deathstroke wanting to borrow the phone? Sure. A _baby?_ He had to admit that one was new. He jumped into a pair of sweats, almost tripping over them on his way to the front door. There he found Jason, wearing a look of panic on his face and carrying a crying baby in his arms.

“What the hell is _that?!”_ Dick exclaimed.

“It’s a baby, idiot!” Jason growled back. He was rocking the swaddled bundle gently, but the poor kid kept gasping for breath, face scrunched up and bright red as tears streamed down its little face.

“Well, where did you _get_ it?!”

“It was in that basket when I opened the door!" Jason motioned with his head toward the hallway, where, yep, a basket full of blankets stood. “I nearly tripped over it.”

The baby finally managed to suck in a big enough lungful of air to give a bellow Dick swore cut through his very bones.

“Oh man,” he groaned. “Get back inside! Oh god, what do we do?”

Jason had started gently dancing around with the baby, singing to it, and the baby, although still crying, was gazing up at Jason with something like enrapture.

“Mm-mm, hush little baby, don’t you cry, hey _Dick,_ don’t just stand and stare,” Jason sang softly, the last part paired with a pointed look. Dick knew when his name was used as an insult, he had a finely tuned sense for it. He glared at Jason and received a smirk for his trouble as Jason kept singing. “Imma get some food in you, imma sing for you, I’ll make Dick get _something_ for you to eat.”

“Sheesh, _alright._ What do babies eat? Bananas? Mashed potatoes?”

“I reckon this one is a year or so, so either of those are fine,” Jason singsonged, rolling his eyes at Dick, the jerk.

“I admire your commitment to the song,” Dick huffed, heading to the kitchen to see what was available. He managed to unearth an unopened packet of instant mashed potatoes in a cupboard, thanking whoever was listening as he put some water to boil.

Meanwhile, Jason had disappeared into the bathroom with the baby and returned with it dressed in one of Dick’s tees and a pillowcase as a temporary diaper just in time for the food to be ready.

“Congratulations! It’s a boy!” he cheered, and Dick cheered with him. The baby was utterly delighted at being so celebrated.

“Mashed potatoes for a pudgy potato boy,” Dick said as he put the plate down in front of him. The kid did look like a potato. Very cute, now that he wasn’t screaming. And Jason could have left by now, but he hadn’t, which Dick was very pleased about. He and Jay always did work best together when they had a common goal, didn’t they?

“You’ll give him ideas, Dickie. This is why I can’t leave him alone with you,” Jason grumbled, but he was smiling as he sat with the boy in his lap, pulling the bowl close and scooping up some potatoes on a spoon.

“Bah!” said the baby, and slammed his little hand down into the potatoes, splattering them everywhere, some of it even managing to hit Jason's face. Dick cooed, smirking at Jason’s blank face.

“…Anyway. We need to figure out what to do, here,” Jason continued as though he didn’t currently have potatoes dripping off of his eyebrow. The kid was grabbing at the mash, and about half of it made it into his mouth. The rest ended up literally everywhere else. What a mess, and Dick was gonna have to be the one to clean it. Wait. Cleaning.

“Alfred!” Of course!

“What?” Jason looked up from where he was attempting to send an airplane loaded with mashed potatoes into the mouth of the baby.

“He’ll know what to do!” Dick explained, certain that this was the best plan.

“You really think we can talk to Alfred without Bruce showing up and immediately drawing the worst conclusions?” Jason raised an incredulous eyebrow at Dick, who had to grant that he had a point.

“We’ll ask Babs where he is. C’mon, it’s still early, he might be on patrol.”

Dick had already decided. If nothing else, they needed the facilities in the cave to run a blood test. He hadn’t been sleeping with anyone but Jason for about a year now, but there were other ways to make babies, and if it had appeared outside _Dick’s door…_ Might as well check the surveillance Bruce kept on his apartment to see who left the baby. He checked in with the all-knowing Oracle quickly enough.

“She says his suit tracker puts him at the History museum, so we’re good,” Dick said upon hanging up with Barbara, and Jason got into the car with Dick.

The ride to the manor was tense with unspoken words. In the past year they had spent many, many nights together, but never even a single morning. Now it was awkward, as Dick pretended to be absorbed in driving through the snow covered streets of Gotham, ones he could probably navigate blind, and Jason fussed with the baby far more than was strictly speaking necessary. Anything to avoid one another in the cramped space.

They stopped at a red light, even though the streets were deserted in this part of town at this early hour, and Dick drummed his fingers against the wheel. He was nervous. Frankly, he thought Jason might be, too. Driving around before dawn with a baby in tow was rather far from their usual style.

The baby gurgled happily, overjoyed to be getting to play with Jason’s wallet. Dick looked up at Jason to find that he was being looked at in return. Jason looked away with an embarrassed cough. It was ridiculous, really. They were grown men, having sex on the regular, and yet _eye contact_ was beyond them.

The situation was suddenly just too much, and Dick couldn’t quite suppress the laugh that bubbled up. He heard Jason chuckle with him, and as the light turned green he chanced a glance at Jason and found him grinning. The baby was laughing, too, but that likely had more to do with the wallet he had appropriated than finding any humor in the situation.

“Can’t believe _I’m_ the one saying this but maybe we should talk, huh?” Jason looked rueful, but he was still smiling.

“Please,” Dick laughed, turning the wheel and steering them out of the city, toward the manor. “Do speak your mind.”

“For a second there,” Jason started. “I really thought the baby was a ploy of yours, to get me to stay.”

“I was too chickenshit to use my words, so you thought a _surprise baby_ would’ve been my next logical step?” Dick started laughing again.

“I dunno, man. Weird shit happens to us all the time, and you’re pretty weird on your own. Please don’t eat that,” Jason added, plucking his wallet from the baby’s mouth.

“He’s not mine, for the record. Not like that, at least.”

“No girls for a while?” Jason asked, oh-so-casually.

“Nah. No one, actually. Other than, yeah.” They sat quietly for a while, passing by the lavishly decorated houses in this more expensive part of Gotham’s outskirts, listening to the boy babble and contemplating the implications of that.

“I may not have a lot of experience in this area,” Jason said, slowly, as they stopped by the manor gates before the computer let them inside. “But surprise babies are not usually how you ask someone out, right?”

“I’ve been known to take a few different routes,” Dick said, reaching the end of the driveway. Grinning now, something like hope alight in his heart, he continued, “Just you wait! Give me the chance and I’ll be sure to woo your socks right off.”

“I think you have the undressing me part down already, Dick,” Jason teased with a wink, before getting out, making Dick snort another laugh. He already knew it, but it hit him again that he really liked Jason. He really wanted this to be something, wanted _them_ to be something.

The manor was decorated for the season, of course, and the lights were tasteful rather than gaudy, and beautiful against the snow. Alfred greeted them by the door, in spite of the early hour. He had a worried pinch to his face even before he realized that Jason was carrying a baby.

“What a surprise to see you two so early in the morning! I’m afraid master Bruce is not yet returned from– _goodness me!”_ The last part was spoken quite loudly, making the baby withdraw back into Jason’s embrace from where he had been peering up at Alfred.

“Alfie?” Jason asked cautiously. The old butler was staring down at the little boy like he had seen a ghost, and Jason exchanged a concerned glance with Dick before opening his mouth to speak again, but before he could Alfred managed, voice hoarse with emotion,

“Bruce?”

The baby cooed happily and reached for Alfred, and Dick swore Jason nearly dropped him, he was so startled.

—————

They rushed him down to the cave to run the bloodwork – the baby endured the needle like a champ – and sure enough, the tests confirmed that this really was Bruce, not that anyone would argue with Alfred on the matter. Red Robin reported in that he found Bruce’s empty suit at the museum where Oracle pinged him nearly an hour ago now, and when they looked at the security tape they saw Batman approaching a cloaked figure one moment, then static, then the cloaked figure visibly freaking out, clutching at their head and everything, as baby Bruce wailed in his too-large suit.

The figure waved its hands about and the camera was taken over by static once more, before revealing an empty room. Looking at the one set right outside Dick’s door at 4:31AM it fuzzed out for one second exactly, and then the basket was suddenly just _there._  They all watched as the door in the recording opened and Jason nearly tripped over the baby, managing to catch himself at the last moment.

Most everyone had converged in the cave to see baby Bruce. When Stephanie picked him up he blew her a raspberry and giggled, and Dick could see her melt. Somehow Alfred had managed to magic up a real diaper, which reminded Dick that he had stepped away from the crowded cave for a reason.

“I called Zatanna, and she’s on her way.” Everyone startled as there was a bang and a plume of smoke by the Batmobile. Dick raised his voice, calling out, “Nice timing, Z.”

“Naturally.” Zatanna Zatara stepped into the cave with a flair, giving them all a sleepy but sincere smile before making a beeline for Stephanie and Bruce.

“Hello, all! Oh my _goodness,_ look at _you,_ itty-bitty Batty!” Bruce giggled, soaking in the attention and apparently loving it, something that was truly bizarre to witness. Steph handed Bruce over to Zatanna, and she distracted him with some sparkles for him to grab at as she ran her free hand over his head and back.

She walked over to the medical cots, with Alfred hovering nearby and Bruce kept occupied by the pretty shinies. The whole Bat-entourage followed, enraptured by the little boy. She continued her examination, muttering to herself in backwards, eyes glowing faintly as she gently poked and prodded. The only noise in the cave was Zatanna’s mutters, Bruce’s giggles, and the drip-drop of the stalactites further into the cave system. Eventually, the glow faded and she addressed the gathered crowd.

“Good news! Magic was definitely involved here, a kind I’m familiar with.” She smiled down at Bruce who grinned back. It was adorable. Everyone had been sure to take selfies with him, even Damian. “And thankfully it’s a simple enough spell to reverse. Should only take a moment, really.”

Tim stepped up silently, carrying a bundle of clothes in dark colors, probably fetched from Bruce’s stash by the showers. Dick hadn’t even noticed him leave.

“Okay, let’s get you out of this…” Zatanna pulled the shirt off of him, and went for the diaper. “Oh, don’t fuss, Bruce, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

He did fuss a little, but thankfully Alfred swooped in before a full-scale meltdown had any time to get going. Dick had to smother a smile at how similar Alfred’s methods were with grown up Bruce, cajoling and stern by turns. He caught Jason’s eyes, sparkling with mirth, having obviously reached the same conclusion, and had to look away before he lost control. They placed the displeased Bruce on a cot with a blanket strategically placed in his lap, and Zatanna did her thing.

_“Kcab sa uoy dluohs eb!”_ she said, pointing with much authority and aplomb at the pouting baby, and in a flash of light adult Bruce was sitting on the cot, looking supremely uncomfortable. There were, Dick realized with a bit of a wince, still some mashed potatoes in his hair.

Without a word, Bruce grabbed the clothes set out for him in one hand and used his other to keep the blanket in place, and stalked toward the staircase. Zatanna at least had the good sense to wait until the entrance had audibly closed before bursting into laughter, and really, Dick couldn’t blame her.

—————

“So, basically what happened was that this woman freaked out when she saw you coming and baby-fied you?”

“Hm,” Bruce replied without looking away from the Batcomputer, which in Bruce-speak meant, roughly, ‘indeed, your astute observations are entirely on point and correct, also thank you for feeding me cheap processed foods while I was unable to defend myself, you monster.’

“Yeah,” Dick winced where he was leaning against the computerbank. “Sorry about the potatoes. I didn’t have anything better at hand.”

“If you can call that mess _potatoes_ _,”_ Bruce sneered the word like it was an insult to justice itself, and Dick had to cover his mouth so as to not burst into laughter then and there.

“Yes, well. Ahem,” he managed to collect himself enough to continue. “I know Alfred has prepared the real thing for dinner upstairs. Bruce, please don’t brood down here all night… It’s Christmas.”

“Hn,” Bruce grunted, meaning, ‘I’m not religious and you know it, plus the commercialism surrounding this holiday frankly bothers me,’ but Dick refused to give up.

“Zatanna is staying for dinner, and everyone’s there! Come on, B…” _Cajoling_ Dick could do, but he wasn’t really feeling the sternness this night. To his surprise, Bruce actually started closing the computer down. Once done, he got out of the chair and looked over at Dick, face softening. Bruce rested his hand on Dick’s shoulder, a fatherly gesture that always struck Dick at the heart and he smiled up at his father figure, getting a smile in return.

“Don’t think I haven’t been _wondering_ why Jason was at your apartment to begin with, Dick.”

With that, he made his way upstairs, leaving Dick gaping after him.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has a tumblr post [here](http://chronicallyhaughty.tumblr.com/post/168934897749/).
> 
> [Writing Tumblr](http://chronicallyhaughty.tumblr.com/) | [Main Tumblr](http://nattvingen.tumblr.com/) | [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/Feloss)


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